November 28, 2009

Alive or Dead

Even if I had the privilege to live even when the world comes to an end....
I will choose to die with the people who were left behind, abandoned.
Staying till the end with those who are left with no chances....
I don't want to see myself alive all thanks to the innocents.
I won't want to see them die in vain, even if there is nothing that I could do...
Money cannot buy true love and the bonds in the family, never will it be able to.
Through the obstacles faced, we'll find the love laid beneath, deep down...
It too show the true faces of us - human beings; the selfishness in us.
Money isn't everything, without love, bonds and trust; it stands for redundant power...
Money is represents nothing but selfishness when it comes to life and death.
Given a choice, I will choose to die instead of living.
I wouldn't want to live with money-minded, selfish people who only think for themselves

So many thoughts uh ?
This is us - humans.
It's a matter of choice and a state of mind.
Whatever. Anyways just reach home from Suntec
Watched 2012. Marvelous.
Headed for pizza for dinner.
Diarrhea. Shopped for things in Carefour.
Everything today is paid by Alfian Sir.
Thanks lots for everything !!
Sleeping early, tomorrow got service.
Bullshit. I don't feel like going.

The minute before death, I will tell you once more - I love you

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 11:11 PM

UPDATE UPDATE

Yesterday was a partial nightmare!
I seriously couldn't believe that I made it through
Anyways, PK took away MAC to sch for me.
Ate and joked around. So that nightmare called.
After which PK send me to the car park
From far, I saw the car. Thinking not bad.
The moment I saw nightmare from far.
I was like ~~FUCK~~. I instantly regretted.
I thought why the hell
Would I give my number to this kind of guy?!
A flash of ' HE LIED. KNN '
Nevermind that, So PK left. I got up onto the car.
He was fucking no gentleman.
So tempted to get of the car and run away. But I'm good.
Guess what he freaking doesn't want to admit that he is old.
Though his appearance look far older than his age.

Throughout the journey to Cathay
I was nearly ransacked with all my ancestors information
Why, he ask and control like worse than my dad.
I order to restrain myself from losing control
I kept sms-ing and there he goes. "You no hp can die hors?"
Ya so ?
Went to had lunch. No. HE went to have lunch
Forced me to eat.
WHAT?! you want me to be like you ???
Ask PK to rush down to let me calm down.
Had a World AIDS Day survey interview.
PK headed VIVO and we went to catch Ninja Assassin
While walking I kept a five step distant.
Walking with him is extremely 'throw-face'
He just cannot stop moving during the show.
After the show, I merely ditched him.
Though I'm not that bad. I told him I meeting PK
So I walked the whole Plaza Sing. for like 2 hours
While waiting for PK to finish his dinner with his uncle.

Bought cake and card for him *Sorry, no presents this year*
Trained down to EXPO after that to wait for Mandy
My darling wife was working.
Freaking spend another hour waiting.
Intended to go meet Jerry for drinking.
In the end wife wants to go home. So PK sent me home.
Chatted on MSN till 3 plus and snores.........

Heading Suntec later to meet Alfian Sir
I guess it's been a year we last met.
Another free movie and dinner !!
Got to sleep early tonight. Got church tomorrow.
After church, will be meeting PK for another movie.
Cool huh?! 3 movies in 3 days all free.
Got to straighten my hair
Repaint another layer for my nails.

After talking to Mandy wife yesterday
I realised we are so alike. Yet I also realise
I still cannot forget you when we talked
You merely just flash into my mind.
Nevermind, I will try my best.

Roaming around the streets at night, with my mind filled with our memories.

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 11:26 AM

November 25, 2009

情与意浓，为谁动

缠绵之夜，为谁溶

轰轰烈烈，为情感

至纯之爱，为震撼

甜言蜜语，非真实

山盟海誓，不存在

天崩地裂，不实际

海枯石烂，非真爱

你是风儿
我是沙
风儿吹吹
沙儿飞飞

沙儿飞过天山去
风儿跟过天山去
一生一世，不分离
缠缠绵绵走天涯

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 5:25 PM

那天，我再次看到一个既熟悉又陌生的背影
印象中，这个背影曾经给过我幸福
曾经他给我肯定和依靠
在那瞬间，好怀念
可是我选择回到现实，我才发现一切都不再一样
我还是会在人海中寻找着你的身影
希望不大，但还是存在
我脑海里一直在问自己
我若和你再次相遇，我该如何面对
今天，我始终选择逃避
看到你，那一段段的回忆渐渐浮现
我知道，我还找不到那勇气去面对

我很庆幸，那天我只看到你的背影
那复杂的七情六欲一涌而起
我失去了方向
开心、想念、失望、伤心一切都尽在不言中
我选择以面无表情来掩盖着我的不安
我相信，终有一天我会有勇气面对
虽然面对的方法还不知道是什么
找到方法的时间也是个未知数
紧紧相拥的两个人若注定要分开
有始至终都抵不过命运

命运摆脱不了人，人也一样

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 3:24 PM

November 23, 2009

Now, good news:

PP is finally over.

I passed it !

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 2:25 PM

Guess what ?!

LAB SESSION WITH NO LAB COAT

I'm still in my jumper somemore.
Whatever, I'm late again.
Yeah, went for service yesterday.
Headed for breakfast with church friend
Service. Effing sleepy.
Went Blk 3 for lunch.
Initially, wanted to go Plaza Singapura arcade
In the end went Farrer Park.
Shop around then TIME ZONE !!

Raced with Da Gor and Er Gor.
Really had fun.
Dragged till 7. Called girlfriend at 6
She called. She snapped.
View her post and you know why.
In the end I reached at her unexpected time.
Good improvement though.
Went Fish.Co. Photos will be posted soon.
Drank a little with her and smoke.
Headed home at 1045.

Fuck. I hate today's class.

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 10:05 AM

November 21, 2009

PP presentation today.
Wish me luck ya?
Guide me through alright.
SEE YA.

To those who tag, thanks for the comments =)

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 10:03 AM

November 19, 2009

Let my heart, soul and mind only have you.

Let me focus on YOU once more.
Let my life be in JUNE.
Where I know what happiness really is.
Help me and guide me.
Let me put my trust in you instead of others.
Thank you.

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 8:56 AM

November 18, 2009

I remembered so well the day
That you came into my life
You ask for my name
You had the most beautiful smile
My life started to change
I wake up each day feeling alright
With you right by my side
Makes me feel that everything will work out
Just fine.

- Gary Valenciano.

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 10:06 AM

On my own once more.

爱不一定要拥有
我知道我的任性
我的不知足
我的占有欲
是我们分开的原由

我不怪你做出此决定
因为这一切是我咎由自取
我可以告诉你，我还很爱你

你的离开，我接受不了
你说过我们是可能的
结果我还是不能成为你的最后一个

我认命了
我会尽力的挽回你
你会再给我一次机会吗？
让我再努力一次好吗？

I still love you.....

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 9:28 AM

November 17, 2009

Now I am left alone.

Never will I thought that

He will not reply my smses
He will not sms me to ask
He will not call to concern

Maybe this is the way he treats a girlfriend
It's ok. No matter what, I still love him
I do. That's what I keep telling myself
Allowing myself to still believe in him
Convincing myself that he still loves me.
Though I aren't sure anymore

For now.... I still choose to believe.....
Though I'm alone....

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 2:45 PM

November 15, 2009

So yupps. I'm late for service today.
Anyways. ღBaby didn't go church in the end
He couldn't wake up.
Yet I have to drag myself to.
Quite discipline though.
Though I was running late. Didn't cab.
Usually I will but not today.
After service went to have lunch with people
Obvious humans -,-
Bused back with Jie.
Talked alot and alot
Recalling about the past and updating her with gossips
Thinking of that makes my fume come back
FUCK it. Alright. Get on with life BITCH.
So went looking around while chatting
Came across this outfit that attracted me
Here are some photos. Enjoy =)

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 7:30 PM

November 14, 2009

Left abandoned.
Left ignored.

Living under your ignorance.
Standing at the edge of the cliff
Thoughts all rises into my mind
Maybe ignoring me is the way you chose

I will be understanding from now.
Whatever you do I will not interfere
I will be your ideal girl
The mature girl you want me to be.
I will not disturb you if you don't want me to

I will not be pissed by little things anymore
You can have your freedom back
Maybe I have chose to give up in holding you back
I will not give up in loving you
I will love you more each day

I will just give up into getting into your life
Maybe I don't belong in your world
I've tried so hard to get into it
Yet, each time I'm being stopped
So, ya. I still love you.

I am not angry anymore.
Serious.

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 1:46 PM

November 13, 2009

Lots and lots of thoughts in mind
Ya, i don't know why but I feel down.
Seriously, I aren't feeling good.
Fuck it.
He said he needed be home early.
But he was even later than usual.
If you needed personal time
Go ahead and tell me.
Don't need to treat me this way.
I will not interfere your life
If you don't want me to
I'm trying so hard not to be mad
But I just cannot help it.
When you didn't reply
Do you know that I will get worried.
At least tell me the truth.
You always wanted me to trust you
But how. You didn't allow me to
You should know that my mind always wonder
Thinking negative things and I know it's fucked up
Now what, yes you can reply slow but what.
In my mind, I am thinking whether are you busy
Are you safe and sound at home?
Maybe I shouldn't be worrying that much
Cuz' all this just seems redundant isn't it ?
Why didn't I thought of you could jolly take care of yourself
Why the fuck should I worry.
I've learnt. I will not interfere with the decisions you make
Never.
I tried my best to change to a girl that you want me to be.
You want a mature relationship
I'm trying. Maybe you don't feel it.
But indeed I am trying so hard to be your ideal girl
But I guess I've failed. Haven't I ?

I guess..... my worries aren't that important afterall....

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 11:23 PM

November 12, 2009

And there I go BOOM.

My hair's in a mess.
Went through an explosion.
It went BA BOOM.
Now left with the remains of Chemistry.

Corpse of Cat-ions flying over.
Sigma and Pi bonds landing.
My throat is in pain.

My throat is burning.
I'm perspiring.
Panicking through war.
My head is spinning round and round.

Alright thinking about what ღBaby talked to me about
I thought through lots of things. Many many.
Maybe the way I love isn't the way you want
The way I do things to show my love is different from you.
We're different. Initially we are from different worlds
You and I if it wasn't others, we wouldn't meet
We wouldn't be together.
Sometimes I wonder. Will you ever regret loving me.
In your eyes, I am just like a little girl.
Little girl of a mind that love is to always be together.
Maybe you don't want this kind of relationship
You don't want me to be in a fairytale
Yet you want me to get back to reality.
Maybe, I'm wrong.

I'm ....................

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 3:22 PM

November 11, 2009

Long ago.
She craved for freedom
She craved for independence
She got it after that
It's her choice.

Long ago.
When she's still young
Being hurt deeply into the core of her heart
Faced with all pains. She went through.

Long ago.
She carried those hatred and unforgiven thoughts
Buried into the bottom where no one sees
She've gained freedom and independence

Not long ago.
She felt love. But was hurtt once more
She picked herself up and continued
She felt lost and yet she decided to try again

Not long ago.
She's tired. Tired of being the one giving
She wanted to give up but she refused to
Walking strong down the road with all strength

Not long ago.
She gave up. Everything.
No more dreams nor hopes.
Left with ignorance and hates.

Now.
She's left with an empty shell
Left with no souls nor life.
Heart stop beating. She stopped breathing

Now.
Trying all means to not disappoint
Trying so hard to find a heart
That will beat for her.
Make her breathe.

She's left with an empty dream hoping to find a breathing life.

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 1:54 PM

Mum smsed me before she left this morning.
Frankly speaking, I miss her
Regretting is of no use now.
Nevertheless, I am glad that she came.
Content of happiness way higher than unhappy

I broke down in tears last night
In her arms, I felt love
I felt that I am filled
Filled with her concerns and love
That I have been craving for when I am alone

It has been long since I cried in her arms
I guess it has been 2 years since then
The thoughts of her in my mind now
Made my heart hurtt like needles pricking
And my tears to roll down quietly
With the smoothing music played in the library

Too much lies in me
Too much to voice out
Too much for me to handle
I need a shoulder
Being imaginative isn't good
Once negative, bad thought will rise up

Step by step walking into the darkness
Little by little engulfing my dreams
More and more hurts I'm bringing to the others.
How I wish I could look life in a more simpler way
How I hope I was back then when I am five

The age that I will never forget
My friend, walking bit by bit further away
Everyday I wonder
How would the people around me feel
If I aren't around anymore ?

How would my family feel and think
How would the friends I regard feel and think
How would girlfriend and real friends feel and think
How would people in church react ?
How would mostl importantly ღBaby feel and react ?

Many a times, I search for things
to fill up the sense of insecurity in me
to fill up the emptiness in me
on and on, it didn't seems to work
Or I didn't manage to find a way

Cuz' I always knew
The only way is music
Listening to the piano playing
I had mix feelings
Sitting alone and listening
My dreams came back
My feelings came back
My emotions and passions
The gush of courage
The urge to cry
Came all together

This is me. Piano.
The music that I have longed
The melody from it
The keys flowing
It's just me.

Life without music isn't real
It's filled with hatred and sorrows
No matter how hard I've tried
I can't find that feeling back
Expressing my emotions into the music
Putting what I'm into those notes
Enthusiasting my life into the keys

Just play. The flow.
It's gone. For too long
I'm starting to forget
The way how music goes
Composing my life. My dream.
Long before. Long Long ago.

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 1:29 PM

November 9, 2009

It's our new storyline
In the new fairytale
We'll work it through
We'll make it a legend
Building up faith and trust
Loving more each day
Let's fantasize
In our fantasy.

Reflecting quite a bit in these few days
True enough that I am back-sliding
Comparing from June and now
Big Difference that I also noticed.
Mum has been here for already 5 days.
Having dinner with her tomorrow
She'll be leaving on Wed.
This time. I really need to settle my debts soon.

Listing down:
Miscellaneous = $ 700
Cigg Fines = $ 300

Saw that ?!
How am I suppose to get $ 1000 and more
before 18 December.
Which all doesn't include phone bills and allowance
Sighs. Headache.

Updates.
Mum came on Thurs and had dinner with her
Back to hostel.
Friday, didn't meet her
Went to Lucas' birthday
Continued at Genesis with ღBaby's friend
Headed to Shuan's house for a rest

Saturday morning cabbed back with ღBaby
Back to hostel. Prepare to go Toa Payoh.
ღBaby stayed in hostel to sleep.
Went to settle with the bank
Had lunch with mum and her friend
Meet Cousins and headed back.
Night, went to Vicky's house warming
Went there with ღBaby, obviously.
Trained back then.

Sunday, went for the third service.
Now, many more ~~CCTVs~~ checking upon me.
Whatever. Who cares.
ღBaby went for his cousin's wedding.

Today, ღBaby came to pick me up from school
Mum came to settle partial of the school fees.
Gonna have dinner with her tomorrow as stated above

Anyways, ღBaby's phone is flat.
I am already missing him.
Hope to see him tomorrow.
Need to study my upcoming UT.

Baby, my love for you is growing.

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 9:35 PM

November 7, 2009

I guess we'd give it a try
Please allow yourself to prove that I aren't wrong
I really hope that it'll succeed
Cuz' I'm at wits end in relationships
I wish that fairytale do come true
I wish that everything that's happening
Isn't as deceiving as the world could be
Trying hard to believe
That this will not be a lie once more.

For now, I'll say I love you.

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 10:58 PM

November 6, 2009

他体会了；你呢？
拥有不代表胜利
退出或许不是结束
现在不代表未来
承诺或许不是保障
爱和拥有只在一念之间
他选择了爱
而你选择了拥有
因为爱才希望拥有
但，刻苦铭心的爱并不是这么一回事

我的不安，你了解多少
这一切都尽在不言中
我的想法，你又知道多少
我好乱......

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 3:12 PM

好无奈
我该怎么办
好痛苦
我不想回到那不堪回首的旅程
记忆里和他的往事
早已模糊

你的出现
我是开心的，因为我知道你是爱我的
但是你和他太相像了
他让我痛苦，你呢？
你拥有着和他一样的保护色
你有着和他一样会在将来让我痛苦的执着

他不是我想选择的
但我知道他能让我幸福
在他身边握有自由
我很清楚，这是你不能给我的
他和你相比，是遥不可及的
但他的简单，是我所追求的

我向往的，不是经验
是安全，是简单
爱不是说了就算
我接受不了你的过去
因为你的过去让我感到不安
他却能让我安心

当初，我是喜欢他的
但是我们说好做朋友
现在，他喜欢我了
我对他的感觉已经快没了
但你的出现，让我知道
我不能再做错决定
我不想再痛苦，再流泪

我还在犹豫，因为这一次
我不要让自己后悔
因为爱不一定要拥有
这一点我早已深深体会
他呢？你呢？
怎么了？

问世间情为何物；直教人生死相许

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 11:27 AM

November 4, 2009

All happy moments are deceiving

It blinds the true colours of reality

Never it will fail to deceive feelings

Life isn't like a fairytale

There is no happy-ever-after

There is neither prince nor princess

Afterall, it belongs to little children fantasy

Surprisingly, I'd feel hurt

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 9:01 PM

November 3, 2009

There is someone trying hard........

Good Luck for your Re-take ;)

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 7:23 PM

My muscles are aching
My eye lids are getting heavier

Isolating myself into the world of my own
Deserting myself in one corner. Thinking.
Sitting quietly, observing.
The little actions and movement
Notice the trends and habits

It isn't always bad to stay quiet
You'll discover something new
Sometimes, communication need not talk
Feel it by heart, read it by mind

The tranquility of the study mood now has a hole
A hole created by someone who is being unliked
The quiet atmosphere is disturbed
Now I am feel disturbed.

Lead me to a place where I can enjoy
A place that's quiet and calm....

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 9:25 AM

You are more attractive than you realize, and someone is going to make it their job to help you understand that today. Be happy and gracious when someone calls you beautiful. You should believe them. Your self-esteem has been taking a hit lately, mostly because you are listening to the tiny voices of doubt in your head.

Maybe it's time for me to realize that I am as beautiful as I think I am.

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 8:48 AM

November 2, 2009

New start of the month.
Many things are on-going.
Sighs. I'm tired.
Asthma attack. Shortness of breath.
Yesterday, went to catch [Jennifer's Body]
It's so ..... Speechless. And thanks to Kayden
Thanks him :
for coming to accompany even he already watched
for telling me to watch those I shouldn't watch
for telling me to not waste money and continue watching
and for accompanying til so late.

So, 7 of us:
CK, Zulliiee, Sydney, Suraj, Girlfriend, Kayden and me
was talking some crap before all of them left.
Suraj, Girlfriend, Kayden and me stayed there till 3am
So everyone headed back den.
Didn't go school but headed to the library to study at 2pm
Glad that UT isn't that difficult. **smiles.
Today is so cold. Just encounter an attack
Went under the rain somemore. Strong isn't it ?

Kays, now what. Mum is coming on wed.
Means no smoking for dunnoe how many days
Damn. I called her today afternoon
We both weren't talking the way we should
So ending up hanging up the phone.
Now, back to the good-girl-next-door.
Though I aren't bad to that extend
But seriously I am tired of being the good girl
The girl that always heads to a place after school
Home and no where. **Dang.

Who ask that to be my fate
Who ask me to be the only child
Who ask me to be a girl and not boy
Indeed, if Girlfriend is beside me
She'll ask me not to complain so much. **sarcastically laughing.
Whatever, though its true.
It's been so long since I last saw my parents
I feel pissed and uneasy not because she's coming
I don't want them to be disappointed when they see me
Seeing that their only precious turning into not want they want

I don't want to disappoint them and I feel shame
Though this is the way I want to live my life
Though the choice of the route will lead to many factors
Though the path will not be that smooth
Though I am already suffering in this choice of life.

Yes, I am leading a screwed-up life.
Yes, I am not a person to be bad.
Yes, I am not suitable to be a SOMEBODY
Yes, I am seen to be an ah-lian
When I can lead a simple life
A life where everything goes the way it should
Where everything is so systematic
Systematic to the extent where nothing will go wrong

I am proud that I had walked this far
I am proud that I can deceive myself for so long
How I hope I can have the courage to hang on
How I hope I can walk this path that I have chose
I hope I wasn't wrong.

Sometimes, life is just like a show....
Introduction, Climax, Ending....

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 10:13 PM

October 31, 2009

Lastly,

Happy Halloween to everyone

SexyVamp. Raynz is on the go.

signing off: SexyVamp. Raynz

saying Goodnights.

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 10:56 PM

Yesterday went to the Halloween Party held in school
Went with the slut family

Zizi , Elmo , Ashley , Boaz and Ventri

The party wasn't a blast afterall.
Dancing with Kej was the most worthful thing last night
Hasn't been so close to him for so long.
Sometimes I do miss his presence.
Whatever, now I just want to focus on my studies.

Went back to the hostel to get their things
Intended to rest but decided to call up the kakis.
So walked to causeway with slut(s) and headed to civic
Bought alcohol at 7-11 and we tarred.
Came back this morning by cab.

Drag my time till 2+pm den went to sleep
Was talking to Rui Fa and watching drama
Now sms-ing PK.
I miss him. Buddy it's been long since we went out
That day he came to woodlands to pass me something
Didn't really talk much. Sighs.
Should find a day to go suntanning with him again.

Chris is heading to school with MAC
Have already eaten 4 cup noodles for today already
Finally got a proper meal to eat
Anyways, gonna sleep early for church
After which tomoro's outing with girlfriend and kakis
But it is yet to be confirmed cuz 2 of them are working
Shall discuss it later I guess.

Am so tired.
Eye bags and dark circles are coming out.
But has been resting for a week
Felt more energetic as compared
Shall study a little before sleeping
I dun think it's a little though.
I haven started on Immunology
Monday's the test.
Bless and all the best to me.

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 7:02 PM

It's HALLOWEEN night

I'd enjoy I guess.

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 12:00 AM

October 30, 2009

I am feeling a little better.
Just that once again, I am being deceived.
Sometimes, it's good to not share what we think
Cuz' the people around will just betray you.
It's hard to find friends that's loyal
For everyone thinks for themselves before others
I just can't bring myself in doing that
Though this should be the way.
Trying hard to make myself happy
But the harder I try
The clearer I see the reality and cruelty of the world

How did I survive this long
How did I manage to deceive myself this long
Teach me the way to stay happy when living in cruelty.

Watched the sluts family played soccer
Got to know that someone shares the same friends I do
More of a classmate/schoolmate than friends though
Disappointed in many things
Envy the friendship shared between the sluts family.

How I wish I could be like them.
How I wish I didn't try
So that I could have deceive myself a little longer
And I wouldn't see the true faces of the world.

ღ I Craved For Blood @ 9:38 AM